The Warrior is a Child

Back in 1984 Christian singer-songwriter Twila Paris had her first number one hit with The Warrior is a Child.  I was twelve years old when the song came out and absolutely loved it.  At the time, I clearly didn't know what the lyrics meant because at the age of twelve I was far from a warrior!  But now at 42 I find a whole new meaning in the words to the song.  The song tells the story of a person - a warrior - fighting the battles of life.  The warrior has the strength and grace from God that puts a confident smile on her face in spite of the angry fear she fights deep in her spirit.  People pat her on the back, tell her she's amazing! They say they don't know how she can be so strong in the face of such adversity!  As they praise her then walk away she thinks to herself, they have no idea how hard this really is for me.  I seem strong on the outside, but inside I'm just a weak child crying out for help.

      People say that I'm amazing
      Strong beyond my years
      But they don't see inside of me
      I'm hiding all the tears
     And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
     They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
     I drop my sword and cry for just a while
     'Cause deep inside this armor
     The warrior is a child

Someone recently encouraged me not to try to "superwoman" through this cancer battle and just rest in God.  I got to thinking about that and the truth is the power of Christ is what can make us all super men and women.  When people see the smile on my face and they sense my courage and strength what they are seeing is Christ in Me.  That IS NOT Ronda. Ronda is not super.
Let me tell you what Ronda is.  Ronda is the patient at The Cancer Center that is the biggest wimp in the world every time a needle comes at her.  Ronda is the girl lying in bed each morning crying that she has to face another day fighting cancer.  Ronda is the friend texting constantly asking for help, prayer, encouragement. Ronda is the wife complaining to her husband about the nausea and fatigue.  Ronda is the Mother who snaps at her children because she is so emotionally stressed she cannot handle one more moment. Ronda is the woman asking why is this happening to me! Ronda is weak.  Ronda hurts, Ronda cries, Ronda is angry and sad and scared.  But Ronda is not alone.
Years ago I admitted all of my weaknesses and shortcomings to God and asked Him to help me and guide me through this life.  And He has.  And He will continue to.  Truth is, when I am experiencing my weakest moment is when He can best show His strength.
Do you know the worst thing a person drowning can do when someone comes to help them?  Try to help.  If you are overcome by the waters around you and someone comes to help you, you should just allow your body to go limp.  Don't kick, fight, or try to save yourself.  Let the lifeguard take full control of your body so they can save you.  Of course that is the opposite of what most people do in that situation.  When someone is drowning they are scared and even when help arrives they continue to kick and flail making rescue much more difficult.
Sometimes I still kick and flail when God tries to rescue me from the deep water.  But when I let my body go limp.  When I stop fighting and trying to save myself that is when God can easily scoop me up and save me. And God's salvation during battle comes in many forms.  The nice meal delivered to my door by a friend, the gift bag filled with items I need during treatment, a yellow scarf arriving in the mail, a fun candle, a book, an email, a card, a prayer.  Those are God's way of sustaining me in the battle and I accept them all with a humble, grateful heart.
I say it all the time, you either trust God or you don't. It is easy to trust Him when things are going great.  But do we trust Him when we are told we have cancer?  I do.  I trust Him.  And that trust brings peace - the peace that only Christ can give is what others see when they see anything good in me.
I trust that God loves me more than my finite mind can understand.  I trust that God has a perfect plan for my life and cancer is part of it.  I trust God.  But in my humanness I have many difficult moments as I fight life's battles.  This life is hard, the pain and suffering are real and at times debilitating. But we are never alone.

       Unafraid because His armor is the best
       But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
       People say that I'm amazing
       Never face retreat
       But they don't see the enemies
       That lay me at His feet
       And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
       They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
       I drop my sword and cry for just a while
       'Cause deep inside this armor
       The warrior is a child